Hello
by archy the cockroach
Summary: Riku versus Leon's tight leather pants.


When Riku finally had the will to push Leon – _sweaty sticky Leon, oh god – _off of him, his brain had finally began to process what he'd done. Leon just grunted, letting his head fall to the side, readjusting himself on top of Riku.

And then his mouth fell open.

_Holy shit, I just had sex with a man on a church pew._

* * *

Tea with his mother, that afternoon, was completely uncomfortable. Riku's head was rather sore, and his head was kind of woozy from all of the Tylenol he'd taken, trying to punish himself for his sins. He felt completely awful, and he knew God was going to punish him.

Awkwardly, diligently, he placed his lips on the edge of the fine China teacup. His mother had expensive taste, after all. She was the epitome of the stereotypical British type, really. Tea and crumpets and what not. Riku was often uncomfortable around her, having been raised by his less than refined father. The entirety of their family was overtly Christian, and he knew that his mother would turn her nose up in disgust upon hearing about all of the sins he'd committed.

_Well, shit, I'm fucked. _

"So, Riku, what types of things have you been up to in… Canada," said the woman, with a ruffled tone of voice. It was known that she didn't approve of his father's homeland. She thought it was only made of trees and rocks, and she, like many others, thought Saskatchewan was actually located in India.

Riku cleared his throat. "Well, I'm involved in activities with the church. And I'm getting good grades in school…." He trailed off, absentmindedly adjusting his turtle neck. He felt like he was suffocating.

"Found yourself a girlfriend yet, Riku? I'm sure a lady would smooth out all of your rough edges. And I expect you to date a clever girl, not just some pretty face," said his mother, thin lips pulled into a smile. The lines around her eyes were more defined when she smiled. It was probably why she didn't do it very often. Despite the fact that she was rather kind, she was also inexplicably vain.

The muscles under Riku's left eye twitched.

He searched for excuses. "Er, no, mum. I haven't found a girlfriend yet. Too busy with school and all." She gave him a critical look, not believing him. She didn't think too much of Canada's schooling system, either. According to his father, Riku never had any homework – his mother thought homework was mandatory, at all times.

"Oh, really."

"Yes, really, mum."

"I don't suppose there are any nice _Christian _girls at your church? You know! The modest ones, they're always the best. No tramps for my son!"

"But mum—"

"You'll have to marry a Christian girl, of course. A polite one who values family!"

"Wait!"

"And I know you like brunettes, maybe one with curly hair. Oh, I know this girl who lives right round the street, she'd be perf—"

"I'm gay!"

His mother went deathly silent.

Riku squeaked and hid his head.

* * *

The first thing that Riku ever witnessed Leon doing was smoking cigarettes. He had half a mind to tell the man to piss off and smoke somewhere else, because this was a _church, _but he refrained because the guy looked so damn cool doing it. So nonchalant, standing there, cold statue and leather. Fixing the church roof, and all. It leaked whenever it rained in the springtime.

"Er, hey," said Riku, awkwardly. He usually could control a conversation, make people say what _he _wanted them to say, but with this man, this Leon, it was so hard to push out any kind of sentence that didn't sound like absolute shit.

Barely sparing a cool, grey glance, Leon flicked the ashes off of the end of his cigarette. "…Yeah," he said. Edging away from the wall, he shoved his hands into his pockets (_how can he even do that, those pants are so tight), _and raised his eyes up to the other worker up on the roof.

The guy was a spindly little bugger, well, he wasn't really little; just wiry and almost acidic. Brightest red hair and cattish green eyes, he was certainly the oddest person Riku'd ever met. They called him Axel, but the minister had called him Herbert, and Riku supposed that Axel was embarrassed of his real name. Leon held the ladder steady as Axel, with a mouthful of nails, practically slid down.

"Putting on shingles sucks. Leon, you do it, I'm gonna go get some Subway," announced Axel, pulling the metal out of his mouth, and shoving the slimy nails into Leon's hand. The brunet didn't even seem to mind, instead closing a gloved palm around them. "And… you!" He pointed at Riku. "Mormon boy! You help him."

Riku frowned, deeply, almost comically. "I'm not a Mormon," he grumbled. He was just extremely religious! There was nothing wrong with that! "And why do I have to help him? I'm not the hired help here!" The brunet just rolled his eyes, pulling off his gloves.

"I'll give you porn and booze if you do," said Leon, snuffing his cigarette between his index finger and thumb. Riku winced, wondering if that hurt or not. "God knows you Christian kids need a little bit of exposure."

Leon was already climbing up the ladder before Riku could come back with some witty retort.

* * *

The first place his mother took him was a therapist. The man told him to call him Vexen. Riku called him the scary pedophile man with the clipboard. Not to his face, of course. Well, once to his face, but nothing more!

With a displeased frown, Vexen took a seat beside Riku's mother. "So… what's wrong with him?"

"My son is a queer. It's not… proper. You need to convince him that this lifestyle is wrong!" said Riku's mother, tears gracing her aged face. Riku wouldn't hide his head in embarrassment, he had too much pride for that, but he really wanted to just throw knives at someone right then.

Vexen shook his head, and pulled his wire-framed glasses off of his face. "I can't make him straight. He can suppress it, but it's worse for him in the long run. It's best to let him… experiment, I suppose."

Riku's mother looked extremely cross. "No! It was his decision to be gay, and as his mother, it's my decision, no, my _right _to make him straight again!" The silver haired boy groaned, wondering if his mother knew how incredibly daft she sounded.

The therapist cocked a blonde eyebrow, only turning his head away when another person poked her head into the office. Hair done up into big flips, she looked like a fifteen year old girl. "Vexen, love, you said you were coming to lunch, and I thought we could shag, I got this new whip and more leather, and I don't have that much more time before I have to go back to schoo—oh, you have patients! I'm sorry, I didn't know!"

Vexen winced. Riku's mother looked even more displeased. "…Er, Miss Hewlett, this is my… girlfriend… Selphie." The coppery haired girl bounced into the room, looking quite pleased with herself. Really, she was just happy she was _finally_ eighteen (ten days and three hours!), and could actually call herself his lover, not his 'niece' anymore.

"Pleased to meet both of you!" sang the girl.

Riku's mother rushed her son out of that office as quickly as she could.

* * *

The first time Riku met Leon's 'special friend', he wondered the nature of their relationship… or at least until the point where they were making out, outside of the church. He'd never been exposed to this sort of thing, and while he thought it was disgusting, he couldn't help but keep his eyes glued to the scene.

His name was Xigbar. Or Xiggy. Xiggy to the Bar. Depended on who you were talking to, really. Axel referred to him as 'Captain Pedo', but it was only because Leon was a hell of a lot younger than him. Riku supposed that Xigbar did look a bit like a captain – he had an eye patch and everything. Leon had explained that it happened due to a bizarre incident with a bucket of gravy and a clown, but he wouldn't say anything else.

Ducking behind a bush, Riku wondered why in the world Leon would bring his 'special friend' around a church. It seemed… unholy! It was to be abhorred, really. He imagined what his mother would've said. She probably would've called them a bunch of bloody faggots, or something to that effect.

"Heeey, buddy, whatcha doin' behind that bush?"

Riku immediately bolted up, shocked and slightly embarrassed that he'd been found out. It had been such a good hiding spot. Cursing the bush and all things bushy, Riku awkwardly tried to find something to say. Running his fingers through his hair, he caught Leon's disapproving expression. "Well… I was…. analyzing the soil. It was good soil."

"You betcha… good soil," said Xigbar, raising an eyebrow. He glanced back over to Leon, who had his lips upturned into a little smirk. "Who the hell is this kid?"

Leon shrugged. "Some little bible thumper. Name's Riku, I think. He watches me like clockwork, though. Suppressing some homosexual tendencies, probably," said the brunet, tilting his head, as if trying to get a better look at the younger man.

Frowning, Riku quickly defended himself. "No, you ass. I'm just making sure you're not fucking around with your boyfriend while we're paying him to work." Riku didn't particularly like swearing, (his mother highly disliked it), but he figured it made him sound more serious.

Xigbar grinned, pointy teeth looking rather vicious. He looked like a hyena. Riku could practically imagine him frolicking around, looking for meat scraps. Riku also imagined himself as the meat scrap.

Rolling his eyes, Leon turned back to the ladder. He knew Riku was right, but hell, it was fun to make him angry. He was quite the stubborn little brat.

Besides, it was fun to see him twitch when Xigbar slapped Riku's ass as he left.

* * *

Upon finding a therapist who wasn't dating an underage dominatrix, Riku settled into a bizarre pattern of life. Therapy, whining, therapy, whining. His mother wasn't permitting him to go back to Canada (truth be told, he rather missed Victoria – not that'd he'd ever tell his mother that), and she constantly chided his father on the phone, calling him a poor parent. She also claimed that he made Riku gay.

Over the next month, Riku's mother tried forcing girls on him. She even stocked him up with condoms, pleading for him to get over this 'phase'. The boy was growing increasingly angrier with her. He wanted to leave (he was almost eighteen, he knew he could've), but he knew his mother would probably never speak to him again if he did.

Though, one day, while boredly standing out on the front doorstep, trying not to get soaking wet, a drenched, dog of a person approached his mother's house. Riku didn't really know what to do, so he stood there, feeling like an idiot as the dark man walked right up to him.

Lifting the front of his hair up, exposing his eyes, Leon gave him a slightly exasperated look. "Why is London so fucking wet?"

Riku would've tackled him right there. But, alas, his mother had installed security cameras. Everywhere. So, he just stood there, awkwardly, wondering what the _hell _Leon was doing in England. "…Erm."

Quirking that typical almost-smile, Leon said; "Can I come in? I think I have pneumonia. I walked here from the airport." Squeaking, Riku all but pushed the older man into the house. He didn't doubt that the duffle bag Leon carried was soaked all the way through.

Upon entering, however, Riku snorted. "You walked here? You're more of an idiot than I thought." Shaking his wet hair out of his eyes, Leon shrugged.

"Didn't feel like getting a cab or whatever you Brits call it. I can't understand what half of the people are saying," grumbled the brunet. He wasn't at all used to these types of surroundings.

Riku's hands fell limp at his sides. He didn't even know where to start off. "How the hell did you get my mother's address?" That seemed like a good enough place.

"Your dad, who else?"

"And my dad gave you, a very mysterious man, my house address in London?"

"…I told him I was an FBI agent."

"And he believed you?"

"…"

"Why did you come? What about Xigbar?"

"What about him?"

"Did you break up?"

"…Not really."

"You're such an idiot!"

Leon sighed. "I came because I wanted to see you. Is that a problem?" Riku shut his mouth, frowned, and wondered if Leon was being honest. Standing there all soaked like a puppy caught out in a storm, Riku spun around on one heel.

"I'll go get you some clothes," he mumbled. He'd grown a little since last seeing the man. He was probably about an inch taller than Leon, now. It almost delighted him.

Cocking an eyebrow, the brunet followed after. "I could just get naked."

* * *

The end of summer. The repairs were almost done on the church, now, and Riku was rather happy to see the belligerent little worker people leap off to their rainbow land again. Leon never stopped irking him, with those subtle insults, and his constant teasing. Besides that, he always made a point to wear the _lowest, tightest, most jaw-dropping leather pants _in Riku's presence.

Riku knew he was going to hell.

Standing in the middle of the church, Riku prayed to God that his eyes would stop immediately attaching themselves to Leon's ass whenever the man was around. Eyes closed, hands clasped, Riku said 'Stop staring at his ass' as a sort of mantra.

"Staring at whose ass?"

Whirling around, Riku found himself face to face with a skeptical Leon. Frowning and whimpering and groaning all at once, the silver-haired teen quickly composed himself. "Erm… uh…" He frantically looked around the church for some kind of salvation. It came to him at once! "Jesus!"

"…You were staring at Jesus' ass?"

"Ack! No, that's not—It isn't! Oh… damn," said Riku. He knew he'd been found out. At least, the smirk Leon wore on his face told him so.

Reaching one arm forward, Leon awkwardly patted the younger man's shoulder. "Don't worry. I wore those pants to torture you." Typical Leon, as usual. That was how he initially bagged Xigbar, anyway.

"I'm not gay, though," snorted Riku, pushing Leon's hand off of his shoulder. The brunet just rolled his eyes.

"That's why you're staring."

"You're shirtless, moron. A group of _nuns _would stare at that chest. You're bloody ripped."

"So you noticed."

"Ack! Hey, get away from me!"

"I'd rather not."

Later on, Riku found himself thoroughly kissed.

* * *

When Riku's mother found Leon and Riku in a rather… compromising position on her couch, she immediately hit Leon over the head with her soggy umbrella, and started to scream at the top of her lungs.

Riku just looked absolutely terrified as he hurriedly slipped on his shirt. He jumped to his feet and backed away from Leon, who didn't really look that bothered. "Mrs. Hewlett, could you… stop?" he grumbled, as she continued to bash him on the head with her umbrella. It didn't really hurt. Just kind of poked him a little.

"Demon! You're the one who made my child a raging homosexual!" The woman only stopped bashing him when he reached up and snapped her umbrella in two. "Go back to the hell from whence you came!"

Leon shook his head. His hair was still a little damp, clinging to his forehead. "I didn't make your kid gay. It's in the genes. Trust me," said the brunet, grimacing as he remembered his flamer of a father. "I just helped him… come out."

Sighing, Riku slumped back down in the couch. "What a horrible and awesome afternoon," he murmured, pulling his knees up and hugging them to his chest.

Mrs. Hewlett also took a seat, still red in the face and utterly angry, but at least she wasn't beating anyone up, anymore. "You two! Riku, your… friend is not permitted to be in this household anymore! Neither are you if you keep up these activities!"

"Fine, mother. Then I'm leaving," groaned Riku. At least she'd finally told him that he could go.

And with that, they were both kicked out of the house, both out in the rain, and both with soaking duffle bags.

"And to think, this all happened because of your stupid leather pants," grumbled Riku, trudging down the street. His shoes were full of mud, already, and Leon was even worse for wear.

"I brought them with me."

"…I hate you."

* * *

A/N: written for uzumakisama for christmas!

merry xmas all of you! D


End file.
